Husband doesn t know he s not her son s father

Dear Amy: I have a son who is just over a year old. My husband is not his father, but he does not know this.

I had an affair, and the man knows the child is his, but he is immature and really happy to pretend he's not the father. My husband and I were separated at the time, and he believes our son is the product of our "last hurrah." We reconciled for the sake of the child. I'm not in love with him, but he's a great father.

I also work with the biological father's mother. I like her quite a bit, and she knows my son is her grandchild.

Between the guilt I feel when I see her and the guilt I feel lying to my husband, I don't know how much longer I can live this lie. I'm just afraid that by telling the truth I will cost my son a father. His biological father would not take any responsibility for the boy, and I don't want to force him to. Children know when they're not wanted, and I don't want my son to feel that way.

Do I keep up with this lie or come clean?

-- Guilty Mom

Dear Guilty: If I told you to keep lying to everybody, would you be able to? I don't think so.

Even if you wanted to maintain this fiction, too many other people know the truth for you to continue to keep it to yourself. That ship has sailed.

You should tell your husband the truth about your son, giving him the chance to legally adopt him and continue to be his dad -- if he chooses. Your choice so far to lie about this to keep your husband in your son's life is manipulative and unfair to everyone. That's why your guilt has kicked in. A counselor can help you think this through and frame the conversation. A counselor can also mediate between the two of you as you attempt to sort out this mess.

Dear Amy: My best friend moved to Texas last spring to live with her boyfriend. He cheated on her more than once, and one time the girl he was cheating on her with called my friend to tell her how much fun she was having! She broke off the relationship, but after some time had passed he started calling her again.

My friend will be in town for Christmas, and her boyfriend will be joining her a few days later.

I'm hoping to arrange my visit with her before he arrives, but if that doesn't happen, I can't find myself being in the same room with him.

He makes my skin crawl because of how he cheated on her and I'm afraid he'll do it again.

How can I make her understand that I want to see her while she's in town but not when he's also here?

-- Best Friend

Dear Friend: You don't have to make all sorts of grand pronouncements about how your friend's boyfriend treats her. On a deep level, it simply isn't your business unless she asks you for your views. Then you can say, "I worry that he doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated."

Plenty of friends aren't fond of their friends' spouses or partners. This is a situation where politeness should pave the way. You should make every effort to see your friend without her boyfriend by asking her if you can have some "girl time" while she's visiting.

If you find yourself thrown together with someone who makes your skin crawl, you should minimize your time spent in his company by making an excuse as a way to cut your visit short.

Dear Amy: I am responding to a recent letter from a reader who was grousing about the petty problems people sometimes lay on you. You responded by saying, "Readers seldom write in saying they had another terrific, life-affirming day."

Well, I wanted to share that I did have yet another terrific, life-affirming day. It was filled with many of the messy, confusing, exhausting, joyous things that make me feel human: children, laughter, heartache, sunshine, hard work and ice cream.

I sometimes wonder if the people who think they have it together and need no advice are on the verge of some life-changing event like a health crisis, job shift or relationship trouble that will cause them to reconsider their attitude. Even if readers vent about things that others hope everyone can live with, a little good-natured grousing can help people find easy, common ground.

-- A Neighbor

Dear Neighbor: Trust me, we're all on the verge of some life-changing event -- we just don't know it. That's why it's important to live those "terrific, life-affirming days" to the fullest, enjoying every minute. Thanks for the good-natured venting. I think we found our common ground.

----------

Ask Amy appears Mondays through Fridays in Tempo, Saturdays in the Weekend section and Sundays in Q. Send questions via e-mail to askamy@tribune.

Moderators Please note! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! !

Moderators:

(Prior to the famous monkey management of the Forum had no comment)

I came to this forum to exchange study was the purpose! But in many outstanding Notes, I do not see content! I do not know because I am not the level of, or before, in Moderators delete the misuse paste first. If it is because the former reason, then I really should tell Mr. Moderators! : Mad:: mad:: mad: Forum is for the convenience of everyone (including Moderators President) with the exchange of learning! Points higher level scheduling is a way you warm. Score at the forum, but not enough and not see paste, it is some violation of prior intent. Even if we can increase the enthusiasm of the forum, it will increase the number of over-water paste stickers! If so, Daofu than simply the rules of this still swap! Haotie so many people fail to see that this forum to the growing popularity eliminate! Moreover, we hope that the constant concern `Popularity Wangwang, and the forum that the content and quality are inseparable!

I suggest that the Moderators as soon as possible to some violation of the principle of improving the forum or directly removal. Will be the next great thanks!

Monkey

2004.10.5.n

Moderators:

(Prior to the famous monkey management of the Forum had no comment)

I came to this forum to exchange study was the purpose! But in many outstanding Notes, I do not see content! I do not know because I am not the level of, or before, in Moderators delete the misuse paste first. If it is because the former reason, then I really should tell Mr. Moderators! : Mad:: mad:: mad: Forum is for the convenience of everyone (including Moderators President) with the exchange of learning! Points higher level scheduling is a way you warm. Score at the forum, but not enough and not see paste, it is some violation of prior intent. Even if we can increase the enthusiasm of the forum, it will increase the number of over-water paste stickers! If so, Daofu than simply the rules of this still swap! Haotie so many people fail to see that this forum to the growing popularity eliminate! Moreover, we hope that the constant concern `Popularity Wangwang, and the forum that the content and quality are inseparable!

I suggest that the Moderators as soon as possible to some violation of the principle of improving the forum or directly removal. Will be the next great thanks!

Monkey

2004.10.5.22:43

When you grievances in the time, you pointed out repeatedly in previous postings. We have explained many times, many postings before data is excessive, administrators deleted most of the Annex (including pictures) to maintain the normal operation of websites. On the points system for a long time we have been cancelled, in addition to UE students outside the area, any forum can be laid on the normal flow, including online learning. Each forum has its own rules, and in this registered as a member of this should abide by.

As long as you are not the pornography, political, personal attacks postings. We will respect you. In order to do a good job here, we must work together.n

Responsibility, enthusiasm! ? You look at the attitude of people ... well ...! Than the President of cattle, how to speak .... hey! Will enthusiasm after several proposals were perfunctory who will come!

Default attitude: You can not come here, perhaps Mars times more for you! / QUOTE

The establishment of each site has its own difficulties, if you did Mars Member of the BBS, I do not have months from the Central Plains to explain. Maintenance of the website, server rental, data backup. Site of the design, these are not come knocking on the door. Moderators have made their own work, on the BBS the time a backlog in the busy time, I think it is any one of the moderators here from members of commercialization is inevitable, we should like this so much who is going to maintain a Web site? Are you?n

Moderators! ?

Moderators ... does not connect and download files of the picture is posted for technical reasons could not be deleted? Only download files and delete the picture if it is wrong? Moderators of Jushouzhilao we will save a lot of unnecessary waste of time and energy, and now seems to be more mistakes this objective grounds to cover up! ? I can understand the hard work done Moderators! Wrong again by the first generation ... it is inevitable that the response to the hard work of the Moderators are sound, hard Thank you for your hard work! But wrong is wrong, the mistakes http://uecg.net/forum/viewthread.php?n

July, October is a good efforts, accept criticism, no sophistry, I have not seen previous posts or you do not solving justice! ? Wu quoted out of context. Normal operation of the server and deleted things cut half, the end of the first act is not entirely the okay. Remember, Complaints two sons Do not! Moderators are meaningful debate can be argued that members of? Is not correct errors, in order to better promote the development of this station? Have meaningful debate, I think I can be dissatisfied with the storm off left, changing stations! But I have exactly the opposite argument, I believe everyone will be controversial and the members are like me, not give up here.

Correction and supervision are derived from the tentacles of corporate life, he will guide the direction of corporate derivatives!n

Mars ... does not connect Moderators picture and download the document is posted for technical reasons could not be deleted? Only download files and delete the picture if it is wrong? Moderators of Jushouzhilao we will save a lot of unnecessary waste of time and energy, and now seems to be more mistakes this objective grounds to cover up! ? I can understand the hard work done Moderators! Wrong again by the first generation ... it is inevitable that the response to the hard work of the Moderators are sound, hard Thank you for your hard work! But wrong is wrong, the mistakes http://uecg.net/forum/viewthread.php?n

July, October is a good efforts, accept criticism, no sophistry, I have not seen previous posts or you do not solving justice! ? Wu quoted out of context. Normal operation of the server and deleted things cut half, the end of the first act is not entirely the okay. Remember, Complaints two sons Do not! Moderators are meaningful debate can be argued that members of? Is not correct errors, in order to better promote the development of this station? Have meaningful debate, I think I can be dissatisfied with the storm off left, changing stations! But I have exactly the opposite argument, I believe everyone will be controversial and the members are like me, not give up here.

Correction and supervision are derived from the tentacles of corporate life, he will guide the direction of corporate derivatives!n

DarkOrange thank Mars, thank monkey, and to thank all concerned for and support of all our friends Ue! / COLOR . As you said, you come to this controversy that did not give up here, we understand for his strong support of the Ue!

I want to assure you that, you understand it to justify all right! Oh! On when to absolve itself of its responsibility! : P

Photographs and documents are downloaded in the background as Annex I can delete the one-time, and it is posted as an alternative form of storage in the database file another form, the two are separate. Of course, I can delete it to a one-time, but so will those who do not have the annex to the posts also be deleted, if a check post after a post deleted, as the workload is too much, but we did not Optimization of the database before the super-slow speed of the case more difficult to do on! Really hope you can understand! . Another reason why we retain, but also to try to restore the one hand, those good posting annex, because the studios of some of their excellent tutorial in the annex to the majority of our computers are retained, it will be easy for some recovery, encountered It can not be resumed to delete, and now we have cut a lot of the posts, of course there may be many such posts we have not noted that the overwhelming majority of netizens to you and cause inconvenience, very sorry, if you wish We also hope that you will help us set out to see you, we deal with together, or cut or restored!

Now that we have upgraded the forum proceedings will not occur again such a thing! Please rest assured use, pleasant exchanges! : P

Xie again! !n

Web site, reality forced us to do this, we have basic technical discussions in areas not involved in commercial sexual things purely technical discussions and exchanges based. Of course, occasionally, some bring their own advertising of posts, huh! No way ah, for the site in addition to their own expertise by a server, the other in Beijing and Guangzhou also rented two servers, add up to a year only on the web site will cost more than 20,000, is not to say other maintenance the time spent! (I am sorry, complained should not be here!: P: p)

Of course, we opened the studio site itself has not regarded it as a profitable way to what (it seems unlikely!), We have studios for the production and training mainly, the website counted as several other hobbies, and hope that through it , on the one hand to conduct workshops and peer communication, on the other hand let the same lovers to an exchange platform of choice. We in the production and teaching the gap will produce some of their own experiences and teaching experiences and share out, of course, we would like to be like here! Support here! Inevitably, from time to time to give themselves publicity!n

U + u understand understanding

Forum is the interaction, said that the problem is so simple. Of course, have difficult side, you will appreciate the difficulties. ... Commercialization is inevitable, and is the only fundamental services, such as both the relationship between the chicken and the egg, there must be subtleties ue opinions! I wish Guangzhou ue take a good way!n

Mars is the interaction of the forum, said that the problem is so simple. Of course, have difficult side, you will appreciate the difficulties. ... Commercialization is inevitable, and is the only fundamental services, such as both the relationship between the chicken and the egg, there must be subtleties ue opinions! I wish Guangzhou ue take a good way! / QUOTE

Thank you understand, thank you!

Additional information :

From www.newsday.com:
MomAnswers at ClubMom is where moms ask questions and get answers from other moms on any topic.
Mediation is to have the character of advice without any binding force upon the states at variance. Moreover, the acceptance of mediation.
Reliance upon any such advice, opinion, statement, or other information shall. for any reason and without notice, any content of the Forums.
On the easy condition of subscribing the Nicene Cree.., without any formal. The advice of the primate of Egypt had already prepared.
Anyway, it is good advice, and is up to you to listen to it or not. and the case is remanded back to the uscis without any instructions, and the person.