Anger is a secondary emotion. This means there is usually an underlying emotion that precedes it. Frustration, jealousy, insecurity and most often pain are emotions that use anger as a cloak. To escape detection, these emotions hide like roaches behind a wall of anger. Do not be deceived into thinking that the only emotion you need to address is your anger. Often anger is just a symptom of greater emotional distress. If these emotions are not addressed they begin to eat away at your insides. Many of these emotions are just too painful to experience. In an effort to block the pain many people build a wall of anger around them. If anyone gets close to activating sensitive and tender emotions, the angry individual can put on an impressive shield of rage and aggression. Often this shield pushes people away and the angry person's suspicions are confirmed: "People can't be trusted." and "No one loves me." They begin to use their anger in an effort to keep people at a distance, to avoid getting hurt. In forth coming posts, we will examine a few of these painful emotions and how they may initiate an angry and defensive attitude in you.
Resentment is an extremely bitter diet, and eventually poisonous. I have no desire to make my own toxins. ~Neil Kinnock
To carry a grudge is like being stung to death by one bee. ~William H. Walton
In my experience, I have come to believe that physical and emotional pains are the most common precursors to anger and aggression. Pain has a way of adhering itself to our conscious like no other emotion. Have you ever noticed how clearly you can remember the pain of broken relationship or the strike of flame burning against the skin? We often forget the joys of life. We forget our accomplishments and victories, but failures and disappointments cling to our thoughts like a vice. We often carry hurt and suffering from our childhood into adulthood and as we grow older, it bitters our hearts and sometimes our minds.
As mentioned before, our pain can become so unbearable that we slowly begin to mask it with irritability, aggression and then rage.
We can all empathize with a loved one who is suffering from a cold, flu or some serious malady. We expect them to be irritable, because they need a little extra tender loving care. Fortunately, the duration of physical pain is limited. Even in the extreme case of torture, victims have expressed the assurance and hope that, "this to shall pass." It is our emotional wounds that seem to persist.
Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. ~Malachy McCourt
Painful memories can become like an infection to the soul. They begin to affect every area of our lives, from the mates we choose to the food we eat. Is there some cerebral antibiotic we can take to rid us from this infection? I am afraid not. Often we become willing hosts to painful memories. We are comfortable with them and would not know how to act if they left. They become a part of who we are. To loose them means to loose a part of ourselves, but this is exactly what we must do. In order to relieve yourself from the pain of the past, you have to let it go. Acknowledge the abuse, recognize the abandonment and then say goodbye. If the memory resurfaces, if it continues to knock on your door or leave voice mails on your phone, say goodbye again and again until it fades into a distance. Some memories die- hard but they will eventually die. Begin to concentrate on the rewards life has brought you. Rehearse your accomplishments, remind yourself of your triumphs and begin to create a reservoir of memories filled with elation and joy.